God is Enough When Alone in a Crowd
The first time I ate alone in a restaurant, I thought I knew what I was walking into. I was well-prepared with textbooks, notebook, highlighters, pencil, and pen. I had plenty to keep me busy, and as I walked up to the door, I put on my most nonchalant air, as if I did this every day and was completely fine with eating out by myself. I walked in with confidence, but as the waiter left with my order and I opened my textbook, I found myself face-to-face with the acute awkwardness of sitting alone in a room full of people enjoying themselves.
I did eventually get used to dining out alone, and now I even enjoy it…most of the time.
But then there’s other times, like last Wednesday, when that awkwardness comes flooding in and I find myself feeling alone in the middle of a crowd.
It all started when I decided to try a pasta place a friend had told me about.
I’ve been searching for a good place to eat dinner before church on Wednesdays ever since the friendly little diner I used to frequent changed hands and became decidedly less friendly. I found this new place all right, and walked up to the door with great anticipation of finding good food and good atmosphere in which to study or write while I eat. As I got closer to the door, I noticed a large sandwich-board sign proclaiming in large and trendy chalk lettering: “Wine Wednesday”.
Since I don’t drink, the sign had the opposite effect on me from that which was intended. I turned around right there and walked back to my car, disappointed, but still hoping I would find some hidden gem of a restaurant at which to spend my dinnertime.
Sadly, I ended up at a rather indifferent chain-diner instead. The music was ear-splittingly loud in the lobby, and not much better in the dining room. The waitress was friendly --in a distant sort of way-- but took an unusually long time to come to my table to take my order. As I waited (and waited), I began to notice that the booths around me were full of couples and families talking and laughing, as well as a small group of ladies –one of whom was singing happily along at the top of her lungs to the already obnoxious music.
Eventually, the waitress came and took my order, and, knowing I very likely had another long wait ahead of me, I reached for my book to try to stave off my feelings of awkwardness. Just then, my phone buzzed with a text from a dear friend, and then a different friend texted, and soon I was enjoying the fellowship of two conversations in addition to the delightful book I was reading. That brightened my dinner exceedingly, and helped to dispel my awkward feelings.
I think everyone struggles with feeling “alone-in-a-crowd” at some point in their lives, regardless of what stage of life they happen to be in. The truth is, whether single or married, living alone or with a large family, we all experience that longing for fellowship and emotional closeness with the people around us- or just to feel included in their conversations or experiences.
I’ve been reading a book recently by Lysa TerKeurst called: “Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely”. (Book review to come!)
I don’t know much about the authoress, except that she is a pastor’s wife, and that we differ widely in some areas, (which I fully expect to stem from some sort of doctrinal disagreement somewhere) but so far this particular book has been very practical and —most importantly— Biblically sound. One of the chapters deals with this “alone-in-a-crowd” phenomenon, to which I fall prey more often than I would like to admit. One of her statements, however, has helped me enormously. She writes about how we can prepare in advance for such occasions by reminding ourselves,
“I bring the fullness of God into this place with me. Therefore, I am on assignment to bring His acceptance and love into this place.”
This takes the focus off my emotions and puts me into service mode. I am not here to be emotionally coddled or to have my ego stroked so I feel special: I am here to show God’s love to others, drawing from His fullness with which He has filled me.
I love what she says next:
“This isn’t some legalistic attempt to earn points with God. This is an authentic way to live as someone who knows she is truly loved by God.”[1]
One of the best Scriptures for battling emptiness is Ephesians 3:16-19, in which Paul tells the Ephesians that he prays to God:
“That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man; That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Sometimes, my mind just has to have a good, stern talk with my heart, reminding it of what is true. Being filled with all the fullness of God is not an emotion: it is a fact, just like God’s love for me. Once I remind myself that I am in the season God has chosen for me out of His perfect and loving wisdom, once I choose (yet again) to accept the grace He offers me to find Him enough for every need and every moment, then I can live full, overflowing with God’s fullness, even when societal expectations or my own emotions demand that I ought to feel empty. I can say no to self-focus and self-pity and embrace with my heart the truth which my mind already knows:
I am never alone, never forgotten —even in a crowd.
[1] TerKeurst, Lysa. Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely p. 50