A Friend Who Sharpens: 8 Ways to be a Good Friend

I so often just rush through my day, going from one thing to the next, and more often than I should, I rush right past the people in my life to get to the “things” that need to be accomplished.

Perhaps you can relate.

 Well, last week, I had several different friends say or do things that significantly encouraged me in the Lord. They didn’t necessarily set out to be helpful, or to cause me to grow in the Lord: it was just an outpouring of each one’s individual relationship with God overflowing into their relationships with others.

As I mulled over how blessed I am to have friends with such a God-ward focus, this verse came to mind:

“Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs 27:17

The word “sharpeneth” means exactly that—to sharpen. And the word “countenance” similarly means the face, or more literally, the part that turns. I found that an interesting facet to the word. Our faces turn in terms of direction, but they also turn in expression as our emotions fluctuate. These friends I mentioned earlier did both. They helped hone the direction my thoughts were taking as well as my emotions.

But thinking about this verse made me stop and think—am I sharpening others? Am I taking time to actually see the “countenance” of my friends, or am I just rushing by, content with a superficial “How are you?” and a superficial reply in response?

If I’ve got you wondering how you can be a friend that sharpens, this post is for you!

1.     Be Mature in the Lord

Galatians 6:1 says, “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.”

Before we can help anyone else grow in the Lord, we ourselves need to be saved and growing! As Jesus said,

“And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5)

One thing I have noticed is that God tends to grow us in areas He plans us to help others grow. In fact, 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 states this truth pretty clearly:

“Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them that are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.”

2.     Be a Scripture Sponge

I love the illustration a pastor friend of mine often uses. When you squeeze a sponge, what comes out? Whatever it has soaked up. When we are squeezed by the pressures of life or the struggles of a friend, what will come out of us? Will it be the Word of God, quickened and directed by the Spirit of God, or will it be our flesh’s self-centeredness or the world’s wisdom, informed by our scrolling on social media?

A friend who sharpens is a friend who can skillfully, accurately, and kindly wield the Word of God. How do we get there? 2 Timothy 2:15 tells us.

“Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

This verse was written to a young pastor, and yet, it is just as applicable to you and I when it comes to studying and being ready to rightly apply the Word of God to our own lives, first, and then to the lives of those around us, where needed.

3.     Be a Peacemaker

Romans 14:19 says, “Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another.”

As we seek to be a friend who sharpens, we must make sure we are not following (or leading) our friend down a road of bitterness or unforgiveness. In our attempts to support and encourage our friends, it can be all too easy to let our loyalty override the truths of God’s Word that call us to respond to the trials and injustices of life with Christlike character.

4.     Be a Loving Truth-Speaker

At the end of a passage regarding the spiritual gifts God bestows on believers and the unity of the faith those gifts work together to produce, we find this description of the goal for individual believers:

“That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into Him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.” Ephesians 4:14-16

Think about when you get together with your Christian friends: are your conversations based in “speaking the truth in love,” causing each other to grow in Christ and in unity with fellow believers?

I don’t know about you, but I have found that the natural flow of my conversations tends more toward tearing down than building up. Be a friend who has courage and integrity to stop the destructive flow of conversation and, speaking the truth in love, turn it into one that builds others up. Choose to speak kindness rather than gossip, sobering truth instead of unkind witticism, compassion and tenderheartedness instead of looking for faults.

Sometimes speaking the truth in love means soothing or uplifting by encouraging words, sometimes it means voicing truth our friend would rather not hear. In either case, our words need to be true and flow from a heart of Christlike love. (Wondering what that looks like? Go read 1 Corinthians 13)

5.     Be Prayerful and Sensitive to the Holy Spirit

Of course, a friend that sharpens must be a friend who prays and who is sensitive and open to the leading of the Holy Spirit. When I first began really growing in the Lord, I was often frustrated when people talked about listening to God’s leading. “But how?” was always my internal question.

The truth is, I have a hard time explaining the “how” of Holy Spirit sensitivity. But I can tell you what helped me grow more sensitive to the Holy Spirit. There was a day when I was so desparate to actually hear from God that I decided whatever I thought the Holy Spirit might be prompting me to do—however small—I would just do.

This worked partly because I was raised in a Christian home and could recognize what was in line with the character of God. I could tell if the prompting was in line with what God would ask, or if it was just my own inclination. But it worked! Slowly but surely, as I obeyed the promptings of the Holy Spirit in the little things of daily life, I learned to look for and be sensitive to His leading.

There are certain friends I know I need to be “prayed up” before spending time with. But, to be honest, we all need to be “prayed up” for every aspect of every day!

One practical note here: I have recently started using a task manager app, and am finding it so helpful to add praying for individual friends as recurring “tasks.” Since I am already used to looking at the app’s to-do list each day, having my friends’ names and a word or two to jog my memory about specific items of prayer just makes sense. This one simple thing has helped me become much more faithful to pray for my friends.

6.     Be Knowledgeable

One of the ways my friend “sharpened” me last week was by recommending a book. Maybe it’s because I’m a reader, and maybe it’s because I manage my church’s bookstore, but I often find myself recommending books I think will help my friends. Having just been on the receiving end of the book recommendation ministry, I can attest to how effective it can be.

However, before you go around recommending books, consider:

1.     Am I familiar enough with the Bible to know if this book lines up with Biblical truth?

2.     Have I actually read this book and paid attention to its contents?

3.     Does this book have potential to lead my friend down a harmful doctrinal rabbit trail?

4.     How exactly do I expect this book to help my friend?

This is not an exhaustive list of questions, but it may help you think through whether a book will good to recommend.  

One word of caution here: We are called to be students of the Scripture. If you or your friend are struggling to read God’s Word each day, that’s where you need to start. No book will ever help you like the Bible will. As Charles Spurgeon put it:

“Visit many good books, but live in the Bible.”

That having been said, I cannot begin to describe the impact made on my life and my Christian walk by books such as Hind’s Feet on High Places, Kept for the Master’s Use, and Andrew Murray’s Waiting on God.

7.     Be Willing to Take Time

I don’t know about you, but I find life pretty busy, and it can be hard to find time to simply be a friend. I’ve learned in recent years that sometimes, being a good friend means carving out time, often sacrificially, in order to listen or just spend time with your friends. The refrain of my heart when I struggle with giving up my schedule to make time for people is that people are where God’s heart is. A friend in need is of far more importance than anything on my carefully scheduled list of tasks.

At the same time, we need to learn to be sensitive to the schedules of others. I have one friend who is so good at this. She knows when my particularly busy seasons are, and always reaches out, suggesting we get together after the busy time is over. A friend who sharpens is an observant, compassionate friend who views time spent together as a gift of love, given more than received.

8.     Remember your purpose

One of the best things you can do as a friend, is to remember that your friendship is not about you. It’s not even really about your friend. It’s about pleasing and glorifying God. Revelation 4:11 says,

“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for Thou hast created all things, and for Thy pleasure they are and were created.”

And throughout the first chapter of Ephesians we are reminded that we exist and are to grow in the Lord unto the “praise of His glory.”

These eight items just scratch the surface of what it means to be a Christlike friend, but it’s at least a place to start. How are you doing at being a friend who sharpens?

“And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ; Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God.”  Philippians 1:9-11