In My Weakness
You’ve probably noticed by now that all of my posts from late-July to early October tend to have some mention of the new school year. It’s a little-known hazard of being a teacher: having nothing to talk about except school for nine months out of the year. It’s also because teaching is often the area in which God works on me the most. After all, if I’m going to be teaching children to be like Christ, I need to be growing in godliness myself!
I’ve already mentioned in previous posts that this school year will be different. I may have even mentioned that it will require me to face a completely irrational, but just as completely paralyzing fear of phone calls and video conferences.
It’s ok, you can laugh…
My mind knows that it’s “no big deal”, but the rest of me apparently never got the memo, to the point that I actually curled up in a ball and cried when I realized that I would be calling people every day of online school.
It’s ridiculous. I mean, here I am, a grownup, whom parents allow to be in charge of their children, and I freak out over a phone call? (Video calls, by the way, are ten times worse.)
But there it is. No matter how much my brain tries to talk some practicality into my emotions, nothing seems to help.
While I was curled up in a ball crying, there was an argument raging inside me. I kept thinking, I can’t do this, which was true, then I would pray, Lord I can’t do this, but You can. Help me. Those two things, over and over, until at last the storm of tears had subsided and I lay still, emotionally exhausted and utterly disgusted with my own lack of strength.
But that’s what it all comes down to. In this area, I have no strength. But what did God tell Paul when he asked for his “thorn in the flesh” to be removed?
“My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
It’s not about how much strength I can muster: it’s about how much strength God can bestow.
In a passage about the truth of the resurrection of believers, Paul describes a process strikingly similar to what God does with our strength (or rather, our lack thereof):
“So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption: It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory: it is sown in weakness: it is raised in power: It is sown a natural body; it is raised a spiritual body” (1 Corinthians 15:42-44)
When we die, our bodies are dead. They have no power at all. —That’s about as weak as you can get. But as we die, God takes our spirits out of that weak, lifeless shell and puts us into a new, glorious resurrection body, strong and full of life for all eternity! Our resurrection bodies won’t be made out of our rotting corpse; God Himself will provide us an entirely new body.
Likewise, when I chose to trust Christ as my Savior, He gave me the Holy Spirit, and made available to me the riches of His wisdom, His righteousness, and yes, even His strength.
So when I thought, I can’t do this, that was true. I can’t. When it comes to making those calls, I am as useless as can be. But I don’t have to be strong enough. Isaiah 26:3-4 says:
“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in Thee. Trust ye in the Lord for ever: for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength.”
What kind of strength? Everlasting strength. Strength that can never run out. Strength that is sufficient, no matter how much weakness it needs to cover for. That is the kind of strength I have access to in Christ. God’s grace will always be sufficient for any thing He calls me to face.
That is why Paul could go on to say, “Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
I’ll admit, I’m still working on that “gladly” part, but it’s true that when we face a situation that forces us to be fully dependent upon God’s strength, we see a victory we never could have imagined achieving on our own.
That day the fear hit me full force, my phone buzzed in the middle of my fit of panic. It was a text from a friend who knew I was struggling, telling me: “Hang in there, God will help.” –And you know what? He did! By the next morning I felt much less panicky about it all, and I was even able to begin recording lesson videos (also intensely uncomfortable) without a further fit of tears. As I write this, I haven’t had to do any of the conference calls yet, but the thought of them doesn’t paralyze me with fear. At least, as long as I remember to keep God’s perspective on it:
I can’t, but He will.
So, I face this new school year in which I will daily be confronted with my own weakness as never before, humbly clinging to the truth that “when I am weak, then am I strong”.